The
Curse of the Magic Donkey
By Kelly Frank 
I’ve
come to the stunning conclusion that I’m cursed.
Its
not a painful curse...just more of an annoying one.
For several years, I’ve tried to ignore it,
but time and time again it rears its ugly head and
reeks havoc to its latest victim...a victim that
I unwittingly introduced “it” to.
I
am of course speaking of “El Curso del Burro
Magical”, loosely translated to “The
curse of the magic donkey.” The curse has been
known to create turmoil, misfortunate, and ultimately
cause the demise of any sports team that makes the
mistake of hiring me.
Don’t
believe me? Well, let’s look at the facts...
The
first sports team I ever worked with was known as
the Florida Thundercats. They were the newest member
of the league that in 1998 was known as the National
Professional Soccer League (NPSL for short). It was
an indoor soccer team that played at the arena formerly
known as The National Car Rental Center.
My
tenure there was short....very short. I worked only
three games as a water/towel/”assistant to
the trainer” girl before the PR director that
hired me quit, and I lost my only ride to the arena.
After my brief encounter with the team, it promptly
folded at the end of the season. The Thundercats
were so broke they even sold off their faithful mascot “Kumba” to
work in the auto factories of Detroit. A few years
later, the league itself “restructured”,
eliminated all but six teams, and renamed itself
the Major Indoor Soccer League.
After
my time with the Thundercats, I was soon involved
with two other local sports teams. The first was
the Florida Bobcats, an Arena Football team that
was playing in the same arena as the Thundercats.
The first season I worked as a game day assistant,
running contests, picking contestants, and doing
whatever grunt work needed to be done. Surprisingly
the team lasted two more seasons amid rumors of being
sold and moved to Minnesota. Those years I was Blitz
the Bobcat, a hydrocephalic gerbil looking mascot.
The team was actually purchased by the same ownership
that owned the Florida Panthers hockey team. It looked
like things were going well for the ‘cats,
and there was even talk of me getting a new, non-gerbil
looking bobcat costume.
And
then...it struck again. The Arena Football league
decided to do what Major League baseball was threatening
to do and “contract” four teams (isn’t “contract” just
a euphemism for “folding”?), and naturally
the Bobcats were one of the four. But hey, at least
I got to keep the costume. Maybe I’ll be a
freelance gerbil mascot someday.
The
other team that I was simultaneously involved with
was the Miami Fusion Major League Soccer team. With
them I served as a a secondary mascot performer,
doing numerous community appearances and occasionally
games when the main guy couldn’t. After 3 seasons
they too were “contracted” by the MLS
despite the fact that their final season brought
them only one goal away from the MLS championship
game.
Not
able to sell soccer in South Florida?? Must be “El
Burro” at its dubious best.
Undaunted,
I looked for other sports teams that would take me
on. In 2001, I started an internship with the Orlando
Miracle WNBA team, which involved all the usual “pleasantries” of
being an intern AND the added joy of making over
90 community appearances as their mascot, a blue
donkey looking thing with wings. During this time
I also worked a few games as an game night assistant
to the Orlando Solar Bears and did a couple of appearances
as their mascot. the Solar Bears, after winning the
championship for the first time in their 6 year history,
not only folded, but the whole LEAGUE folded as well.
The
following season I returned to the Miracle, now no
longer an intern/donkey, but as a full fledged donkey.
I was Star, the Miracle’s mascot. Now I did
all of the games in addition to the numerous community
appearances. And wouldn’t you know it...after
hiring a new coach, bringing in over 10k for their
home opener, matching their best record for a season,
and being eliminated from playoff contention only
by the virtue of “the tie-breaker”, it
was announced that the team would cease operations,
and move elsewhere. All staffed was released. I was
even asked to turn in my very own donkey costume...then
they said I could keep it...then, opps, no wait we
need it back. I’m told they sold Star to the
glue factory...<sniffle>
It
might be worthwhile to note that the MIracle are
the ONLY team in the WNBA’s history to be relocated.
Heck, the Charlotte Sting lost their NBA team and
they’re still around. The Detroit Shock who
have the worst attendance in the league have signed
on for another year. The WNBA is even dedicating
itself to saving the Utah Starzz, a team few Utah-onians
even know exists.
There
was one “team” that I worked with that
has not folded. It was the University of Central
Florida. After my year of being a mascot for them,
they are still in operation. And yet, I wonder if
the curse didn’t have some effect on them.
The pride and joy of the UCF football team, former
knight Daunte Culpepper, has gone from pro bowl appearances
to being routinely booed by his own Minnesota fans.
The creators of the Blair Witch project, UCF’s
other alumni claim to fame, are reportedly bankrupt
after being unable to match their earlier success.
And it might be noteworthy to point out that UCF’s
cross state rival, the University of South Florida,
has a football program that is in only its 6th year
and has already outdone UCF is almost every way.
Of
course, all my evidence is purely circumstantial,
anecdotal, and totally based on way I think.
But
I’m with a new team now....i’m working
in sports again....and the team has no idea what
type of baggage they brought on when they hired me
to wear their fuzzy mascot suit. We’ll see.
Perhaps “El Curso del Burro Magical” will
strike again.
